Ask Zahzah 2 – Absent-minded in Class

I graduated from college recently with a B.A. in Business Administration. I have one question related to a term I keep hearing about: what is the meaning of P&L?

 Sent by: Distracted in Class

I understand your predicament.

P&L is one of those elusive phrases often heard and thrown around casually in corporate corners everywhere.  

P&L can mean different things depending on where you stand, sit, lie down or hang on the corporate ladder.

What follows is a helpful reference list intended to explain the different meanings of P&L:

If you are busting your ass daily in the shitty annals of faint power in lower to mid management corporate levels – P&L means Pressure and Labor.

If you are a female employee who is trying to climb the corporate ladder via plastic surgery – it means Pluck and Lift.

If you suffer from permanent insatiable hunger – it means Pizza and Linguini.

If you are an aspiring ass-kisser, sneaky-back-stabber, or a malicious eavesdropper – it means Please and Lick.

If you are involved in the fragrance industry – it means Patchouli & Lavender.

If you are a conniving opportunist, a scheming social climber or a certified corporate/industrial/media bitch – it means Plot and Lure.

If you are an obsessive, demanding and a control freak with an overbearing style – it means Pushy and Loud.

If you are a fashion obsessed, style-driven, brand-crazy, consumer-slave, sales-addict, clothes-freak, mad-collector, closet-filler, and a relentless shopper – it means Prada and Levi’s.

If you are a heart-bleeding, tree-hugging, new-age-music-loving liberal, Obama-campaign-volunteer, Carter/McGovern era nostalgic citizen or an Amnesty-International supporter – it means Peace and Love.

If you are a CEO – it means Pampered and Lavished.

Part II – Ten Additional Phrases That May Not Help You in Your Job Interview

1-      Why do I want to work for this company? Because you put an ad out there you fucking moron!

2-      Did you say ARPU? Is that before or after shampoo?

3-      What do you mean there are gaps in my resume? Let’s spill water on it and see if it will leak through it, jerk!

4-      Sure hell I can manage the P&L, who says no to Pussies and Lesbians all day long, booyaa!

5-      Explain the term Opportunity Cost? It must be the cost of dinner to get the opportunity for a one-night-stand with the bitch, right?

6-      When you say Joint Venture you mean I can smoke my joints here without venturing out to the parking lot, right?

7-      Market Segmentation is a piece of cake. You have the haves and the have-nots, what else is there?

8-      Protecting the Brand from what? Are there Brand rapists out there?

9-      Yeah, I’ve heard of intellectual property copyright protection before. I wear protection, sometimes.

10-   Yes, I do have a question for you: What is your policy on Freudian slips?

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